God Spins the Block

Besides Spring approaching, the season of transition is here and strong as ever. More than that, everything is hitting at the same time. If you are anything like me, I cannot function with more than about one to three tabs open on my internal computer. Three tabs top! And that's pushing it. If I am going to be effective and ensure things are completed at 100%, up to one to two things at a time. Now with about five pretty big items on my plate-two of them that mean a lot to me damn near in the recycle bin, I am crashing.

I have to admit I was going against the universe. But change is here. As hard as it is, I must accept that this is where the cards are falling. As an anxious person who has to plan everything because, in my head, if I plan, it helps lowers the risk of disappointment. I am obviously wrong because regardless if you plan, where ever the chips fall they just do…and when things do not go as planned…I get triggered. I don’t even know why I waste my time. 

Lord, I really hope you spin the block on this one because sis is out here stressed, and my grays are popping out.

The fear of change I have acquired over the years has been a detriment to many of my decisions, and I don't know where the root derives from. The season I am in and all I am battling with, I am frightened to my core. The last time I remember feeling this shaken was years ago, leaving high school and attending college. At first, when college was on the table, I knew I was going away. I did not care. I saw it on TV. I was watching College Hill. Shannon was going away. I remember meeting my mentor in high school; senior year, we sat and filled out applications.

Syracuse was my number one choice, and when I got in, I was like, damn, I did the thang! It felt good my family was proud. Shoot, I was proud. I was the first person in my immediate family to embark on this journey. However, there was instant regret when it was time to go. It was my first time going away from home. All I ever knew was Brooklyn- my mother and grandmother were all I had, and I was leaving them. During my first few months away, my transition was tough. I was homesick. I didn't like how cold it was physically in Syracuse and internally in my body. I was alone and forced to really grow out of my comfort zone. I would call my mother every day in tears because I was uncomfortable looking for a way out.

It took about three months for me to really find my footing there. I didn't know then but reflecting now, I had to fall into that shit. I had to give it a chance by embracing the discomfort. By the Spring semester, I started to gain traction. I became okay with leaving who I was and embracing who I was becoming. I decided to stay. It became home, and I ended up loving everything about undergrad.

Second Case in point: When I was leaving Syracuse, I planned to go to Law school to become an attorney. Oh dear, this was a rough transition because now I'm like a fake adult but still not fully one at 21. Long behold, Shannon could not for the life of her get a decent score on her LSATs before graduation. I almost took myself out. Graduation was approaching. No job, no internship lined up. I took that bad boy twice and, for the sake of Jesus, could not score at least 165. When I say I was scoring 150 and lower and had the audacity to apply to NYU, Columbia, and Brooklyn Law which, at the time, you had to be damn near perfect, scoring 175-180. When I say blow to the ego, heart, brain, and everything, I was obliterated. How could high school valedictorian, dean's list 3.8 scholar, and prior district attorney intern not be good enough for law school? As a matter of fact, how could things not be set out for the hardest-working person in the room; I did everything as planned.What-the-what was happening here? It's the entitlement for me.

When I graduated and came home, I was at my lowest internally because I did not know what the hell I was doing for the first time in my life, and I did not know where to turn. It was one of the first disappointments of my career-building self and it took a toll on me. I got stuck. Remember the notion of being stuck.

Sidebar, in high school, I remember telling my best friend at the time. No idea if he even remembers this, but we are in Math B class with Mr. Yee. We would always talk about our future, and he would ask me where do you see yourself at 30 years old. The famous age, "30". We had to be about 16 at the time, and I remember telling him I would, for one, have my own Law Firm, Shannon and Associates :), married, living in Cali with my two kids and dog. He definitely laughed at me and said yeah, right. I remember the anguish I felt when he laughed; I was so mad at him. How are you going to pop my bubble like that? That's my dream. He dreamed of going to the NFL or being close to it as a sports agent—a whole Jamaican Bachelor. Crazy how God Spins the block right- In high school, we always competed because he was the star athlete. He never studied, aced all his exams, and just smiled his way through classes and not doing papers. My ass would dead be up studying and writing papers working, and we would end up with the same grades. Oh, that used to kill me, and I never understood it. Now, the crazy thing is he is the family man and has the dream job, or at least from what it seems …and I'm over here still trying to show up and be the best version of myself and constantly fighting with my dog and my shoes- definitely proud of him and his accomplishments. Still, I do not understand how we keep ending up in this loop.

But again, God Spins the block all the time, right? Looking back now, I realize a lot of what I was and currently going through; I definitely had to because then I would have never learned about this idea of ego. We tend to move out of it, making us think we're entitled to things. I should get it because I "plan" for something, right? Wrong. I had this mindset because I had all these accolades; even with a terrible LSAT score, I would have still gotten into these schools. NO! Number 1, I was stuck on staying in New York then. I was in such tunnel vision I limited myself. Like, girl! If you wanted to be an attorney and the opportunity presented itself in Iceland, you would have gone. Opportunities did present themselves, and I shut them down because it was not "a part of my plan." So, subconsciously did I want to go? I am not mad at my decisions then because of where it has led me to today and all that I acquired, the people I have experienced, the memories, the lessons, and the blessings. I also think about being ready for what we ask for in life. We always say what we want, but are we prepared for them? Are we mentally ready for what comes with the asks? Sometimes, we only think of what we want, but do we consider obtaining it? When we get it, how do you keep it? Am I prepared for all that I ask for?

So now, I'm in another season of transition, only now I am much older than before and obtained experience. But I caught myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of despair of why's and tears of the discomfort, which has led me to reflect again. It brought me back to a younger, innocent me because something has to give. This is where the inner work and accountability come in because sometimes it's not about anything else; it's literally about how we show up.

Change is inevitable. It's that one thing you know is constant, and yet transitions trigger the heck out of me? Why? It's really because I am unsure what will happen on the other side. None of us do. I usually tend to see things as black and white. Yes or no, but in retrospect, nothing is always that rigid. Resilience is an excellent way to think of maneuvering through life's transitions. Every encounter, whether you view it as good or bad (no judgments necessary), has molded us to show up differently. It's important to remember that. Especially as we are getting older, it's also important to feel how we feel, but we don't have to get stuck in it. That is my downfall; I get confused and stuck in that state. Remember, I said to remember about being stuck. It happens when I get stuck because I haven't figured it out. If it does not make sense to me (like a math problem), I can't move to the next thing, but actually, you can proceed. Even when it hurts, push a bit. Little by little. When you realize it and look back, you've moved far from where you started. I realized then I don't always have to wait for clarity to keep moving.

As I keep moving forward, even with the little steps, I asked to be prepared for everything coming my way as it becomes clearer…hence God spinning the block.